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I'll Have The Salad With A Slice Of Religion: A SatireBy Leigh-Anne Mauk Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Testing, 1-2-3-4. Testing, testing. Good Morning, this session's topic will be religion. Yes, you did hear correctly. Religion: the subject that everyone wants to partake in but no one really wants to talk about. What I'm going to discuss with you here today is not merely religion itself, but the question of religious ignorance. Is it really a question? Does it truly exist? In my most humble opinion, it most certainly does. To clarify, what I mean by the term 'religious ignorance' is the act or practice of criticizing a religion that you either: • Know virtually nothing about, or • Practice but haven't put any effort into learning or studying in great detail At this point, you may be thinking that I intend to bash religion, but that is not the case. I have always felt that everyone should be entitled to believe in whatever they choose. If you want to worship Aposticon, the Holy Potato, well by all means, worship Aposticon the Holy Potato if that's the religion that calls to you. Bashing someone else's religion is something I equate with pointing fingers and sticking our tongues out at one another. Sure, we've all done that from time to time, but in this case, it seems uncalled for, not to mention unnecessary. Equally unproductive is saying, "My God is better than your God!" or "Your God is the Wheaties my God eats for breakfast!" All this has been said and done for centuries, and to be frank, has gotten us nowhere except to the point that when we encounter a faith that differs from our own, we clap our hands over our ears and scream, "La la la! I can't hear you!" at the top of lungs until the person either stops talking or goes away. Ma'am, that's not funny. I'm trying to make a point here. To be fair, I probably should take the time to define what religion is, or at least what I believe religion to be, but I'm not going to. Pull out your Webster's, ask your preacher, or contact your high priestess. I leave that particular definition up to each of you. To start, I want to talk about what has affectionately become known as the "New Age Phenomenon." Yes, you in the back with your Zen for Dummies book, I mean you. I ask you a question, sir, since you were kind enough to volunteer. What exactly is "New Age?" Well, I suppose we could define it as the adaptation of old-world ideas, philosophies, and religions to modern-day life. Okay, fair enough. New ideas are always welcome and studying the history and lore of the past, as well as expanding one's mind is something I've always considered to be a good thing. But riddle me this, folks, do all of you really understand exactly what it is you're practicing? To further that, are you practicing what you preach? Do you truly have an understanding of this philosophy you embrace? For example, you, miss, in the front row. What is Zen exactly? Oh, never mind, I know! It's that thing that comes in that little box of sand and there's this cute miniature rake and you take the box of sand and you put it on your desk at the office and everyday you take out that tiny rake and make wavy squiggles in the sand and then you—no? You can't get it in a box? Oh, my mistake. Well, what about Feng Shui? Anyone? Oh, yes, that's right. Feng Shui is that thing where you buy a bonsai tree and some bamboo shoots and some of those little Chinese coins and you put them all around your house and then you…Well, you do something with them. You have no idea, do you? For that matter, neither do I, but in this case I embrace my ignorance because I have not studied the philosophy of Feng Shui, nor am I attempting to "Feng Shui" my home any time soon. By the way, when did Feng Shui become a verb? Just a question, but let's stay on point, shall we? Let's simply suffice it to say that Zen and Feng Shui are both extremely detailed and complex Eastern philosophies that you cannot get either through the mail or within the pages of your Idiot's Guide to Buddha's Business book. It's a tad bit more complicated then that, I'm afraid. And that brings me to another point: Buddha, who was Buddha? And no, you can't rub his belly for luck, before you ask. What was that? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. The Tao of Pooh? Good question, sir. What exactly is the Tao of Pooh ? Can Pooh-the-Bear really have a Tao? Do we even know what a Tao is? Unless its spelled t-o-w-e-l, I rather doubt that Pooh can have one but despite my skepticism, there are books written on the subject. I hear that Eeyore has a Tao too, but that might be just a rumor. While I find the embracing of Eastern philosophy, culture and religion most interesting, I must say that out of all the New Age groups, my favorite is the New Age pagans. I hear a few angry mutters in the back. Wait, remember what I said earlier: this is not Religion Bashing 101. If you are truly a devout Wiccan or Druid, more power to you. Remember the question we're focusing on is religious ignorance. When I say "New Age Pagan," I do not mean those that follow the earth-based religious traditions in the style of the ancient Druids or the ancient Celts, nor am I referring to practicing Wiccans of today. The people that fall under the New Age Pagan category are the ones who light a green candle and chew on a sprig of thyme while burning a pack of costly $1.25 money drawing incense and pray to a deity whose name they can't even properly pronounce and expect to instantly become a millionaire. You are the ones I worry about. You, as well as the woman who purchases a pack of rose petals, a piece of rose quartz and a fertility statue and genuinely expects to get pregnant the year after she has had her hysterectomy. These are examples of New Age Pagans: those that put in minimal effort and expect maximum output. If you want to perform a religious ritual of any kind, in any religion, please take the time to learn about that ritual first. At least read the book on "Advanced Candle Magick" you purchased. Don't just buy it, skim the chapter about monetary gain, and let it grow dusty next to your Embracing the Goddess Within and Advanced Lotus Style Yoga books. No religion should be treated as merely a hobby. In my mind, that defeats the purpose of calling it a religion. Don't be passive in your religious faith. Read about it first, and study it before you claim it as your own. Be able to say, "Yes, this is what I believe in and this is why I believe it," if someone were to ask you. By contrast, if you're content with not knowing, don't let me force you into something as abominable as expanding your mind. If you want to remain a militant agnostic along the lines of "I don't know and you don't either," then by all means, please go ahead. All that I ask is that you don't criticize those whom actually care to expand their personal knowledge of the faith or philosophy they practice and believe in. Oh, and modern-day Christians, don't think you're escaping the religious ignorance rant either. You too engage in religious ignorance as much if not more than any New Age enthusiast I've ever seen. Don't try to look innocent—you most certainly do. For starters, have you read your own Bible? Have you ever cracked the cover on that big, black book that your entire faith is based on? And no, before you ask, seeing Mel Gibson's The Passion does not count or substitute for reading the Bible. You may just want to crack that book open a time or two and see what's inside. It's not all Jesus in there, you know. There are boils and whales and polygamy and golden calves and clever snakes and naked ladies and big boats and enormous floods and treasure and pillaging and lots of those apostle guys who followed that bearded man around…what was his name again? You might be surprised what's inside those pages, my friends. Try to remember that ignorance comes in a variety of forms. It's not only practicing a faith you don't understand but it's also never taking the time to investigate every aspect of the religion you call your own. Countries have been lost and people have been killed over this particular book. Doesn't that make you at least a little curious to see what exactly is inside those pages and why? Give it a go. It comes highly recommended. It is the best-selling book of all time, after all. And Christians, I have to say it: as a group, you are very good being ignorant of other religions besides your own. This you excel at more than almost any other religious group I could name. Oh, yes. If it's not Christian-based, then a good many of you don't want to hear about it. It seems that many consider any religion that is not Christian to be 'pagan,' a word that originally meant 'foreigner' but has come to mean 'bad' to many. Personally, I find this attitude slightly frustrating. Do you need an example? All right, let's talk about Islam for a moment. Everyone's gone quiet. Ma'am, please take your hands away from your ears. Yes, I said it, Islam. I know this word may scare many of you, but it really shouldn't. Trust me on this. Jesus is a prophet in that religion. Did you know that? It's true, I promise you. If you look a little closer at the Muslim religion, you will find a great many similarities between Islam and Christianity, as well as between the teachings of Mohammed and Jesus. What's more, upon closer examination you may even begin to see parallels between Buddha and Jesus if you were to delve more closely into Buddhism. This knowledge is just waiting to be found. I still see a few blank looks out there. Perhaps I need another example? Give me just a moment. Ah, yes. I've got it. Okay, ladies and gentleman, what does a pentacle represent? In case you're unfamiliar with the term, a pentacle is an open five-pointed star in which four of the five points are parallel to one another, two on each side, and the fifth point always faces upward. When a pentacle is enclosed in a circle, it is often called a pentagram. I hear murmuring. Any ideas? "It's the sign of the devil!" A man cries out from the back. Really, sir? And how do you know that? "I saw it in a movie!" A movie, sir? "Yeah, it talked about voodoo and werewolves and such." I see. Was this a horror movie by any chance? "Yes, ma'am, it was. And it showed how that pentacle thing was the sign of the devil and the mark of the beast!" I thought the mark of the beast was 666? "It is." And it's also a pentacle? "I suppose." So would 667 be the neighbor of the beast? "What?" Never mind. Let's go back to the pentacle. You say that you saw that in a horror movie. Are horror movies usually accurate? "What do you mean?" Are horror movies usually historically accurate? Do werewolves run around with 666's all over them? "Well, no…" And do werewolves and vampires actually exist? "Not really, no." So doesn't it stand to reason that perhaps a horror movie, being something that is usually set in fantasy and make-believe, could be wrong about the pentacle being a satanic symbol? "Well, I suppose you could be right, but—" What if I were to tell you that the pentacle is actually considered to be a symbol of protection and life in the Wiccan, Druidic, and other earth-based religions? And that each of the points on the star represents one of the cardinal elements: air, earth, fire, water and spirit? In a nutshell, that which you believe to be a negative and evil symbol is actually quite the opposite? "Well, I, uh…" And tell me sir, what is Voodoo? Can you define it? "Well, it's when you take one of those doll things and you stick pins in it and you get a chicken and some graveyard dirt and…I'm not really sure." Ah, progress. The first step in this particular twelve step program is admitting that you have a problem and that you may not know everything without taking the time to learn about it beforehand. There may be hope for you yet, sir. But seriously, my friends, open up your minds, as well as your eyes. Take nothing at face value. Imagine the possibility that everything is not what it may seem to be at first glance and that what you were taught, what you thought you knew may not be entirely correct. Look for more than one answer to every question. Before you judge someone else's religion, take the time to learn about what it is you think you're judging. Learning about someone else's faith is not going to make you any less of a Christian. Likewise, for everyone else out there, remember that if you're going to be practicing a religion, a doctrine, a philosophy, or a faith, whatever you wish to classify it as, you need to learn about it first. You can't just cry, "Jesus!" and declare you're a Christian or scream out, "Buddha rules!" and instantly be transformed into a Buddhist. Each and every religion takes time and study to practice. Know well what you're doing and know well what you believe in. If nothing else, by having all this glorious information, not only will you become more secure and confident in whatever it is you believe, but you'll also have extra ammunition to use if someone gives you grief about the religion you practice. You'll be able to argue and debate your way out of any heated discussion with both skill and flair. If someone comes up and tells you that Jesus was a multi-colored, clove-smoking, tie-dyed hippie man from the Virgin Islands who liked to swing dance on the weekends, you can tell him exactly why he is correct in making such a statement. Or would that be incorrect? You decide.
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